Holidays and Separated Parents: Eight Questions and Answers for Peaceful Co-Parenting

Holidays are a time of joy, freedom, and discovery for children — a break from the school routine that allows them to create lasting memories. For separated or divorced parents, however, times as Christmas, Chinese New Year or Summer can be challenging. Planning a child’s holidays in a way that is fair, respectful, and child-focused requires thoughtfulness, clear communication, and collaboration.

As a family lawyer in Hong Kong, Raphael Wong witnessed how major holidays can either strengthen family bonds or lead to unnecessary tension if not handled properly. The key lies in prioritising the child’s well-being while fostering a cooperative approach between parents. Today he provides essential guidelines to help divorcing and/or separated parents navigate this period with peace and positivity, ensuring a memorable and enriching experience for their children.

By shielding children from conflict, planning early, respecting agreements, and maintaining consistent routines, parents can create an environment where their child feels secure and loved. Flexibility, cooperation, and mutual respect are the cornerstones of successful co-parenting, allowing both parents to share in their child’s joy and growth.

Ultimately, the goal is to provide children with the reassurance that, despite their parents’ separation, they are supported by two loving and committed parents. A collaborative approach ensures that holidays become a source of happiness and personal growth for everyone involved.

Q1. How best to shield children from conflict?

One of the most critical principles of successful co-parenting is shielding children from parental conflict. Children should not be exposed to arguments, tension, or unresolved disputes. Witnessing conflict between parents can lead to feelings of insecurity, stress, and guilt, as children may feel caught between their parents or responsible for their unhappiness.

To avoid this, parents must resolve disagreements privately and present a unified front to their children. Any decisions regarding holiday schedules, travel plans, or finances should be agreed upon before discussing them with the child. By doing so, parents can provide their child with a sense of stability and reassurance.

Q2. How important is to plan early and clearly?

It is impractical if not impossible to set out all the details in the court order.  At the end of the day, the parties would have to communicate and agree on the detail holiday arrangements.  Thus, proper advanced planning is essential for avoiding misunderstandings and last-minute conflicts, ideally finalising a detailed schedule at least 2 or 3 months in advance. This includes agreeing on key details such as:

• Holiday durations and the time split between the parents.
• Pick-up and drop-off times and locations.
• Travel arrangements, including flights, accommodation, and visas (if applicable).
• Any special activities, camps, or trips the child will participate in.
• Any special terms and conditions the parties would like to impose (for example, no excessive video games, no excessive junk food, proper sleeping routine even during holidays)

A written holiday schedule can help provide clarity and prevent disputes. Sharing this schedule with the child early on also allows them to anticipate and prepare for the upcoming holidays, fostering excitement and reducing anxiety and indeed reduce disappointment.

Q3. Do parents need to seek legal guidance if necessary?

If no agreements can be reached through communication or compromise, it may be necessary to seek legal advice. A family lawyer can help clarify your rights and responsibilities, mediate disputes, or provide guidance on court orders if required.

In Hong Kong, the Family Court prioritises the best interests of the child in all decisions. Parents should aim to resolve issues amicably, with the help of mediation and or other means, while using the court as a last resort.

Thus, it is ideal that the parties start their planning and discussion early and allow for time to seek the court’s guidance if necessary.

Q4. How crucial is to maintain professional and direct communication?

Even the best plannings is subject to change.  Flexibility is an essential part of co-parenting. Unexpected events — such as illness, weather disruptions, or changes in work schedules — may require adjustments to the holiday plan.

Parents should approach these situations with an open mind and a willingness to compromise. By focusing on the child’s best interests rather than rigidly adhering to plans, parents can model cooperation and problem-solving skills.

Thus, effective communication between parents remains crucial for successful co-parenting during the holidays. However, this communication must remain professional and focused on practical matters. Emotional or personal disputes should be set aside to prevent unnecessary tension.

For parents who find direct communication challenging, co-parenting coordinators or online platforms can serve as valuable tools. These platforms allow parents to:

• Share schedules and updates.
• Track expenses and reimbursements.
• Record agreements and maintain clarity.

By keeping communication clear and documented, these tools can help reduce misunderstandings and foster a more cooperative approach.  Hopefully with time, the parties may regain trust on each other.

Q5. Is it advisable to involve children appropriately during the planning phase?

While holiday arrangements should be determined by the parents, it’s important to give children a sense of involvement in non-critical decisions. Depending on their age and maturity, children can participate in decisions such as:

• Choosing a day trip or activity.
• Deciding what to pack or bring along.
• Expressing preferences for activities or outings.

This inclusion helps children feel valued and respected while ensuring they are not burdened with decisions that could cause stress or confusion.  At the end of the day, it is the child’s right to spend time with their parents and it is the parents’ obligation to fulfil that right.

Q6. How important is to preserve consistent routines?

Major holidays can be a time of change and excitement, but children still benefit from stability and routine. Maintaining consistent practices between both homes can provide a sense of security and continuity.  Examples of consistent routines include:

• Regular bedtimes.
• Mealtime practices, such as eating together as a family.
• Scheduled phone or video calls with the other parent.

Consistency not only supports the child’s emotional well-being but also helps them transition more smoothly between households.  It is important to find a healthy balance between strict routine and the need to relax during extended school holidays.

Q7. How to avoid using children as messengers?

One of the most damaging mistakes parents can make is using their child as a go-between for communication. Asking children to relay messages, negotiate schedules, or mediate disputes places unnecessary emotional pressure on them and can create feelings of anxiety, confusion, or guilt.

All communication between parents should occur directly, either in person, by phone, or through a co-parenting support. This approach ensures that children remain free to enjoy their holidays without being drawn into parental conflicts.

Q8. How to encourage positive relationships?

Big holidays provide an excellent opportunity to strengthen the child’s relationship with both parents. Encourage your child to build meaningful connections with the other parent by:

• Supporting their time together without interference.
• Avoiding negative comments about the other parent (badmouthing).
• Showing interest in the activities and experiences they share.

When children see both parents supporting their relationship with the other, it fosters a sense of security and emotional well-being.

At the end of the day, it is the child who benefit from the consistent involvement and love from both parents.